HALF-LIFE

(inspired by Little Wonders by Rob Thomas)

For my friend, KJB. May your soul rest in peace.

By Patalipat

Let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder. Don't you know the hardest part is over.

Everything would turn out okay. I would convince myself a million times that everything was going according to His plan. He left us, his brave soul took the lead and there was nothing more I could do about it. I shed tears a lot, cried with his family, his friends, grieved for the emptiness and the blame that was slowly eating me up inside. I was still holding his hand, afraid to forget him and to let him go but it came to the point that it hurt so much that I had no choice but to slowly loosen the grip. The hardest part is over-- grieving had always been the toughest part of moving on. But now that some time has passed, I have moved on from the pain and the guilt but not the memories of his face, his antics, and our friendship.

Let your clarity define you. In the end, we will only just remember how it feels.

I knew I had to be strong, for his family, his other friends and for myself. I needed some distraction from the fact that I, myself, was weak. I needed to make up something for me to believe in. And I succeeded. For almost a year and a half now, I made myself believe that I accepted his absence, his choice to leave us and this world that he never wanted. I blamed him at first. I was mad.

Why? How can you be so egocentric to take away your own life? Did you even think about your family, your friends that were always there for you? Did you ever think about how your Mama would be so devastated? How about your promise to your Papa that you would be a great architect one day and build a house for your family? You know your family was depending on you! But why are you so selfish to leave your two sisters crying here thinking that you didn’t love them? Are your reasons enough to end God’s wonderful plans for you?

But then, this anger melted away every time I think back on those times he was still here. He was a good-natured fellow, a leader that everyone respected, a happy person. Suddenly, all the resentment faded away replaced by this inevitable pity—for himself, for his family and friends, for myself.

You see, I had the chance to talk to him-- CHANCES to talk to him. I knew he had a plan to take away his life but I refused to believe, thinking he was not serious about it. I could not help but blame myself for not doing enough to prevent all these from happening. He would always haunt my dreams and I would always find myself crying in my sleep. I knew I could have done more but I didn’t. Now, I am left alone with this big hole in my heart and a fat lie that it was not my fault. Though I claim that I have moved on, the memories still remain like moving pictures in my head and the worse part, I remember how things were easier and happier when he was still here.

Our lives are made in these small hours, these little wonders, these twists and turns of fate. Time falls away, but these small hours, these small hours still remain.

We often measure how great our lives are through the money we have, through the number of years we lived, through our success in our careers. Sometimes, we lose sight of the little wonders that make our lives worth living especially when we lose ourselves in despair, in steadiness, and tragedies. We overlook the marvels and sensations of the familiar touch of reassurance on our skins, the warm hugs, or a kind or loving gesture, an encouragement, soft spoken secrets, an offer of comfort from friends and families. They exist to save our lives.

When he had given up in this life, he had unconsciously saved another life from giving up as well. He became our hope, the moral we all needed. He had his moments with us, those times when he had to break the seriousness of a class discussion by his usual antics, those times when we had to beg him to excuse us from CAT classes. He had been a great friend, an awesome band mate, a resourceful student, a warm-hearted son—a remarkable person. Nothing could beat the fact that he lived his life to the fullest, not even this twist of fate for him and for all of us because we all had little wonders from him in the small hours we had left with him.

Let it slide, let your troubles fall behind you. Let it shine until you feel it all around you.

A year and a half after, here still remains the hole but I am now stronger and I have learned to let go of the bad memories. I put every trouble aside and learned to live with the good remembrance because I do not want to forget that the present is a gift. Wherever he may be, he would always be watching over us with a smile on his face knowing that we are happy now.

I don't mind if it's me you need to turn to. We’ll get by, it's the heart that really matters in the end.

He was my classmate for 3 years and we have been close friends ever since the second year in high school. We would sit together in class, doodle while the teacher was discussing something, we would sing together, joke around, and get crazy about nothing, share rumors and talk about anything under the sun. He would call me during weekends and talk about the girl he liked and then I would chatter about the boy I liked. I would tell him how short he was and he would tease me by how big I was. We would tease until we get mad at each other. He was a crazy friend. He would make you angry then he would crack you up and suddenly, all the ire would be gone. He would always be the same boy that puts a smile to my face.

Now that he is gone, my mind would unconsciously make ways to see him. He would visit me in my dreams, some were happy, some were creepy. But all the while, I am glad. These dreams make me believe that I still know him, that he still wants me to remember him and to tell me that he is doing great wherever he is now. He still makes me feel that he could talk to me about anything and anytime. He wants me to know that we’ll still be friends no matter what.

All of my regret will wash away somehow. But I cannot forget the way I feel right now.

Regrets of not able to do enough will always be etched within me. But I still believe all these will pass, that one day I won’t blame myself anymore. But I am scared that if that day comes, I would still remember that way it felt to be left, to lose someone you value so much. I have never had someone close to me passed away. He was the first and it worries me that I won’t be able to handle myself and my emotions the next time something like this happens again. Time can only tell. And in this case, time healed me. Regrets became hope, and three years of friendship became a lifetime of memories.

Our lives are made in these small hours, these little wonders, these twists & turns of fate. Time falls away, but these small hours still remain.

It has been 5, 110 hours since the day I last saw him breathing and living. But in my heart, he had never been more alive. It took me so much to pretend that everything was going to be okay when all along; I never needed to fool myself. I just have to believe that someday, things will be better for all of us, that this needed to happen for God’s bigger plan to be realized. Before the truth comes back into hiding, I have accepted that he is now gone into a better place where he can see all of us. I am sure he would be doing great if he were still here but wherever he is, he is still probably the crazy little boy I have always known. With the memories we had, I offer my prayers to him along with the new stories I have to tell him.

I don’t remember him because how would remember someone I have never forgotten? Time heals and it makes regrets turn to hope and three years of friendship to a lifetime of memories.